Wednesday, October 28, 2009

this is for someone i wont admit.

today i turned twenty and i certainly feel no different to what i did yesterday, i still feel like i need her and no matter how many times i go to pick up my phone and text her i just can't because to be completely honest, i don't want to open up to her, i don't really want her to know exactly how i feel, i just feel like i have had enough of opening up to people only to be disappointed. please don't get me wrong, i am not saying she's going to screw me over or anything like that, i just don't trust myself, everything i have got myself into in the past i have some how fucked it up and i am sick of it. i don't want to hurt her and i am really scared that i will. i don't know where i stand with her, i don't know if she actually has any feelings at all for me, i just don't know anything. i miss her most of the time and i really regret not seeing her when i was in her city. i wish i had of. she has me thinking about her all the fucking time and to be honest i am not sick of it at all because when i think about her, i don't feel so alone. x

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

i wish you had of come over.

1. you are always on my mind and to be quite honest i'm getting sick of it in a way that i don't want to think what you're doing incase of exploding with jealousy that someone else has you. i love you, i have from day one and the world can disagree as much as it likes, i'll do whatever it takes. i'm just waiting for you to make your mind up, tell me what you want from me. i need you, i need you more then day needs light. you are my perfect, you are what makes me happy the most. i'll wait as long as it takes but i'm not going to say i'll enjoy it.

2. stop talking to me like you're not already taken, stop calling me "babe and baby" i'm not yours and i never will be. stop trying to sweet talk me, it wont work. you have an amazing girlfriend who i enjoy talking to, she doesn't deserve what you're doing behind her back, does she have any clue that last night you told me that you and her broke up? i don't want to be the one to tell her or show her the mail because i know it will upset her but maybe she needs to be told. i think you're a great person but you need to realise, what you're doing isn't right and i always wonder how many others there are.

3. you will always be my best friend. always and forever. i don't like the feeling of losing my bestfriend to someone else, i really don't. i just need you to reassure me that it's not happening, that she isn't capable of doing such a thing. i love you, i love how ever since day one you've been there for me no matter what and i know we've had our downs but thats ntohing compared to where we are today. you are an amazing friend and an amazing mum to the perfect little angel.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect her to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect her to calm you down when you're yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn't exactly match up with all your plans. But that's the thing. Love isn't a plan. It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.

Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can't see. They can't see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you're in love. It's inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can't live without it. What you don't learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn't worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.

Love isn't her calming you down when you yell. It's her yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn't her/him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable.

It's after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet her showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It's not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it's not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It's her standing there, admitting she's just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you're not the only one involved. You've unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it.

It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn't cross. Because love isn't about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It's about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it's a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling 'happy' and feeling whole

Sunday, September 13, 2009

i just lost my way

i'll never forget the phone calls, the cute voice that echoed in my ears and that beautiful smile.
you made me happy in the short time.
i thought maybe i was good enough to fight for but yet again i was wrong.
i'll sleep the nights away and i'll dream away the days with thoughts of you coming back.
i love you.
i'll miss you.
x

Thursday, August 13, 2009

C

Left your t-shirt in my room, still smells of you And the picture you hung on the door lay smashed, picture perfect.
Explains now, clearly nothing left but a memory We only made out you never kissed me that's how I learned to hold back all feeling

Wait, please don't go, I won't stay. All these words on replay. I'm ok, Its alright, good to know that your fine.

Pretending everything is right, to make it better. I'll hide my make up smeared eyes, to show that I tried.

Some how you have managed to get under my skin, more than anyone ever did. And if every whole makes a scar and every scar marks its place then I will never live freely without your trace.
And it'll never be fair, I wrote my songs for you and you never even cared.
So Ill forget you, Ill wish your t-shirt, kill the pillow and cut you out of pictures

Wait, please don't go, I won't stay. All these words on replay. I'm ok, Its alright, good to know that your fine.

Pretending everything is right, to make it better. I'll hide my make up smeared eyes...

this drama sat shot gun
my eyes rained like autumn
only the glove box knows
how the story goes

now that this bandage is broken and
the cuts left in open
ill tell you just one thing
this wasn't worth the sting

Friday, July 31, 2009

i never thought i'd say this again

but everytime i think of you my face begins to smile.
you're beautiful.
i hope you know it.

"..so we'll let the past be the past,
we'll move forward
and girl you'll always be a part of me.
you're smile is like beautiful glitter on a ugly day.

Friday, July 24, 2009

*

and from today forward, i'm going to try and get over you.
but i'll still come see you soon.
<3